Hi Katrina,

I can’t believe it has already been 7 weeks since our little Oscar was born and I have not found the time to send this email… when I was reading birth stories a few months ago I was always surprised to see that parents were often writing a few weeks after the birth and I was thinking to myself that surely you can manage to send an email in the days following the birth if you are staying at home doing nothing but taking care of your baby… now I know what it’s really like!! But I got your email regarding the mindfulness group on Mondays and it made me pick this email up and finish it.

I gave birth early on the morning of the 24th of August, just a few days “early”. It had been a couple of weeks already that I had felt quite close to the end as warm ups were getting a bit more intense. I just wanted a bit of time to rest before the birth and I had asked the baby for at least 10 days from the start of my leave; I got 11!

On the 23rd (which is our wedding anniversary!) I went to the city for lunch with Nicolas and a friend and as my warm ups were stronger than usual we were joking that Nicolas might have to cancel his poker night… and as I walked back home I indeed asked him not to go as I could feel that the birth process had started! I spent the afternoon reading and trying to get some sleep but didn’t manage to. At 6pm I got frustrated that my surges were not getting stronger or closer and I started cleaning the flat and get everything ready to go to the hospital when needed. Which means that surges started picking up again around 7pm, just one every 15 minutes with a bit of pain in my lower back.

When Nicolas got home, we had dinner and decided to watch a film. We were excited to realise that this was it but also really relaxed and confident that we knew what to expect and what to do. While watching the film Nicolas was putting pressure on my lower back during the surges and by the end of the film, I had surges every 5-7 minutes and didn’t feel like I could just relax in bed any more! I sat on the birthing ball so that I could lean on the dining table during the surges with Nicolas pressing my lower back. I only had pain in my lower back and something like a strong need to poo during surges, no pain at all at the front. At that time I had not yet realised what it meant…

After a couple of hours of strong surges, we called the hospital and as I had surges 45s long every 2-3 minutes we were told to come. I got quite restless when the taxi got to our home and we had to go as I didn’t know how I was going to cope without Nicolas being able to apply pressure on my back (and that feeling that I always needed to poo!). Quickest ride ever to the hospital though: we got there in less that 10 minutes (usually something like 30 minutes…)! I was the only one in the waiting room but it still took about 45 minutes for me to get checked and be taken to the birth centre. By about 4am I was settled in my room and we were in quite good spirits even though the surges were getting really intense. We had low lights, our music, birth affirmations, everything we had planned for a serene birth. Fun fact: my midwife was French and from the same town as both my and Nicolas’ families! I thought it was a good sign. She had bad news though, the pain I had meant that the baby was back to back… she indicated what position to take to help the baby turn but I have to admit the news hit me a little bit… the midwife soon offered gas n air and mentioned that another option was a morphine injection which would give me some rest. She gave us the pros and cons and never mentioned it again after that. I never said either whether I wanted it or not, I thought that I would do without it until such time when I would really really want it, which was not then yet. The surges were getting really intense with very strong pain in my lower back and coccyx and Nicolas did an amazing job applying counter pressure, pretty much his workout done for the week! (I shouted at the poor midwife when she tried to do it at some point when Nicolas was getting water for me as she had not nearly enough strength to apply the pressure I needed…).

My waters broke around 5am just after there was a change of midwife with Yvonne replacing Mathilde. The feeling of something finally releasing was deeply satisfying and helped me through the next few surges as I was starting to really struggle with the intensity of the surges. I remember asking the midwife whether I was almost fully dilated, saying that I didn’t think I could do this much longer. And just after that I think my brain shut down under the pain, or I breathed too much gas maybe, but I only have a very vague notion of what was happening. I don’t know how long it lasted, I was thirsty, I could hear the birth affirmations and the water running in the birthing pool and these two sounds were all I was concentrating on. I know Nicolas was speaking to me the entire time but I have no idea what he was saying. And suddenly everything became really clear, I kind of woke up, was able to speak and sit up, realised that the lights were on in the room. I thought this was the transition phase and it gave me strength to carry on, thinking that the pool being filled in and the sudden awareness meant that I was nearly there. I got in the pool and it felt great, I still had the gas n air, Nicolas could still put pressure on my back and straight away I felt the need to push… after only a few surges the midwife asked me to come out of the water and lie down on the bed to monitor the baby’s heart as he was not coping very well. It turns out he had the cord around his neck so his heart rate was dropping with every push… Even if he was recovering well, the midwife said that I would need some help to deliver the baby and she called the labour ward.

After the warm sensation of the water, lying on this bed without Nicolas’ help was really hard and neither he or I were in a state to discuss what the midwife was saying. To be honest, as I was taken down to the labour ward I wasn’t quite sure whether I was going to have a C-section or just forceps/ventouse… From the moment I sat in the wheeling chair until delivery I don’t think I stopped screaming. The pain was excruciating and for a little while I had no gas, no Nicolas by my side, nothing to help me. I was only in the labour ward for 15 minutes before Oscar was born but it felt like an endless session of torture. The obstetrician must have known that the baby was back to back but it felt like no one but my midwife cared that the pain in my coccyx was killing me even more by lying flat on my back on the bed. I think I was kicking everyone with my legs but really I only needed someone or something to hold my feet so I could push against something. I wish I had been able to speak during that time but I was in a different place and was not able to say anything coherent. Nicolas was amazing, telling me how amazing I was doing, holding my hand and foot on one side. He was my only anchor during that time in the labour ward. I was told to hold my breath and push, which I didn’t want to do but I was in such pain that I just did it, I just wanted the pain to end one way or another. I pushed so much that at some point I forgot to start breathing again and my heart rate dropped to 5… everyone started to shout at me to breathe and Nicolas got really scared that both the baby and I were not coping well. I have to say that the feeling of the baby coming out was intense but not painful at all in comparison to what I was feeling in my back and coccyx.

Oscar was finally born at 6h45 with the help of a ventouse (and the inevitable episiotomy). I’m afraid that our preferences for the third stage had gone to the bin the moment we went to the labour ward as the cord was clamped straight away and the placenta birthed not completely naturally I think. After a short moment on my chest, Oscar was taken for a couple of checks and then returned to me for some skin to skin while I got my stitches. The midwives offered to give him to Nicolas but I didn’t want to let him go. I was prostrated for a little while, I could not relax my legs or my jaw which had clenched so much on the gas n air. I felt like crying as I thought that this was the worst experience of my life and there was no way that I would ever do this again. I didn’t think that it was possible to experience such pain and to feel so not in control of what was happening to me.

I know I talk a lot about how painful the birth was and it is not a hypno word at all but just after the birth it felt like such a traumatic experience that I thought I had “failed” my hypno birth… After we were left with Oscar in our room, I was able to start seeing things a little differently even if it took a couple of days for me to really see the positive in all this. Oscar was calm but alert from the beginning, he found my breast straight away and started feeding easily, he was sleeping well, was a beautiful and healthy baby. As my time in the labour ward was fading away, I was able to put things into perspective. Yes, I had felt immense pain but for more than 11 hours of my 12 hour birth I was coping well, we were using the hypno birthing techniques, surges were intense but manageable. I also had an unfortunate combination of baby changing position just before the birth (I think he turned 5 days before the birth, this is when I started having pain in my lower back during warm ups) and cord around the neck and it doesn’t have to be like that every time you give birth. But above all, hypnobirthing was not just about the birth, and I had three months of pregnancy being much more relaxed and confident than I would have been without it. I still use affirmations now! And thank god we forget what happens during labour, now I know that I can do it again and I am convinced that it doesn’t have to be that painful, I still believe that we can have a serene birth… next time!

So thank you so much for your help in this process, it really changed completely the way we experienced my pregnancy and the birth. We recommend hypno birthing to everyone we know and endeavour to use mindfulness and affirmations now that Oscar is here (not always easy I have to say!). I attach a couple of photos but hope to introduce Oscar soon at one of the Monday sessions!

Note from Kat: I love this blog post about OP / back to back babies. Very insightful and illustrates how other people’s reactions to a baby’s position can affect experience…